Its the last day of 2005. Its been the best and the worst year of my life. Ive gone thru some of the most awesome and some of the most painful times; and Ive had the best and worst time with friends. But, overall, its been a very productive year, and Im coming out of it stronger and better than I was this time last year.

Well, most of what I have to say right now I cant bring myself to write, so Ill just end this years blog by saying Happy New Year! I will not be writing in this blog anymore, but just like every other year, Ive started a new blog, and transferred email addresses from this blog. 

Here it is... This Fire

Everyone stay safe tonite! And let me be the only one whos not kissing anyone at midnight! lol You kids have fun......

Its the last day of the year before the last day of the year. Crazy that its almost over huh? Well, dont any of you worry! Ive got my 2006 blog all set up and begging to be written in! lol

Ive been spending the last couple of days over at Jay-T's parents house while the parents are out of town. Weve had the best time so far! I rode Davis' 4 wheeler, played Mario Bros, and we made the long journey to Starbucks and Taco Bell. Then, Madi and I made another home video (toldja). Its prolly one of the funniest things Ive ever done. Seriously. Like, it needs to be sent in somewhere. She was a news reporter interviewing ppl abt recent tragedies in their lives. I was the interview-ee. So I was in the kitchen with these rediculously huge white sunglasses on talking in a Southern-hick-high-pitched-pretty-annoying voice, talking abt my recent tragedy. It was based on a true story tho; I passed out in the mall a couple days ago, and no one bothered to help me or even ask if I was ok! So anyways, I told the reporter my story, and afterwards, we died laughing when we watched it! Then, I played a British reporter and I interviewed Madi who was playing a hobo from Bridgeport. I insulted her, so she hit me, so we played out this brawl on the video, and Davis came in from the other room to hit me with a pillow- DEFENDING THE HOMELESS!!! So I got up to chase him, and I tripped over the ottoman. (Excuse me, Madi just informed me that she TRIPPED me; I didnt FALL...) Watching the whole thing on camera is pretty great. And of course, theres a little bit of Johnny Cash in there.... After Madi reamed me with a lamp, I fell asleep with the cat, and today weve just been hangin out. (By the way, the lamp thing was an accident, she assures me...) I straightened Madis hair today- she looks like a little beauty queen! Oh, yes, we got video of it. lol Anyway, I think were gonna hunt down Davis and go see a movie. We get the option of 3 whole movies! Can you believe it?! Oh the choices out here!!!!

Its half way thru the week, and already, my emotions have gone up and down like a wave. Sunday, Brit called to tell me that Steven proposed. I was so excited for her that I cried! ...followed by being so upset that I cried... all within a minutes time. A couple of ppl thought I was upset cuz I was jealous, or didnt approve of their relationship, or whatever. That wasnt it at all!!...  

Think abt anyone you know whos in a relationship. A romantic relationship. Its prolly pretty different from your own. Think abt any relationship ur in. My relationship with Amber is special and unique from what I have with Kathryn. What I have with Kathryn is different than my friendship with Britini. Mine and Brits relationship is completely different from what I have with my Gma. And what I have with Gma is totally different from what I have with my Jay-T. And how stupid of me would it be to compare any of those relationships to each other? One person gives me what another cant. I give to each person what they dont get from someone else. They are all different relationships- something Im beginning to understand... Without meaning to, I sometimes compare me and Jay-T to other boyfriend/girlfriend relationships I see. If I see one couple doing something, Ill think, "Oh, we should be doing that..." or "we should go do that" or "why arent we like that?". Im especially bad in doing that with Brit and Steven- prolly just cuz Im so close to them. But the big factors that are COMPLETELY different are A) Brit and Steven actually live in the same city- the same house together; B) Theyve been together for over a year; And C) (the obvious) they are totally different ppl heading totally different directions than Jay-T and I are. The last month or so has been such a huge wake up call for me in several different areas. This was one of them. So to redirect the way I was thinking abt this particular issue, Ive had to pull myself away from some things. I havent hung out with Brit in weeks. I havent watched a girly, sappy, romance movie in weeks. There will be a time when doing those things wont bother me, but for now, Ive just wanted to stay away from anything that would cause me any more confusion or problems, I guess. When Brit called on Sunday to tell me she was engaged, and told me how Steven proposed, my heart sank! Because she followed it all by saying, "so, Aut, we got a wedding to plan!!!" That is probably the last thing in the world I should do right now. She and I have had a hundred talks abt all the things we want in our weddings and how we want them done, and how were both going to help each other plan everything. So when she told me all that, I was gripped with this awful fear that Ill start comparing our relationship with hers and Stevens- start thinking abt weddings, and how long we have to wait, and how unfair it is, and on and on....

Yesterday, Rainey told me that Rance propsed to her over the weekend too! She asked me to go with her yesterday to look at wedding dresses. My first reaction was to stay as far away from any wedding or bridal store as possible!!! But I thought, its HER time. Its BRITS time. Its not MY time. What if one of my friends isnt married when its time to plan my wedding? Would it be right for her to just not want to be involved because shes not married already? No. I should be so rediculously happy for my girls! And be there for whatever they need! (within reason, of course) I cried on my way to the bridal store yesterday- still scared out of my mind- but I prayed a lot too. And by the time I got there, I was more than happy to help Rain look at her dream wedding dress. I took pics for her, helped her try on vails, tiaras, sandals, dresses, everything. She stood up there on that little podium in her fav dress and said, "Im getting married!" It was a beautiful thing! Shes going to be such a beautiful bride! Now, of course, I couldnt do something like that often, but being there for my girls is whats important. Ill be happy to help Brit with whatever she needs, sometimes, and still keep in mind that its just. not. my. time. period.

I talked to Jay-T a lot last night, and some things between us have to change in order for us to keep "us" alive. The way things have been lately are just causing more tension and stress than either of us need, and trying to be so close while were not even living in the same time zone is killing me. After our talk, I prayed myself to sleep. And today, I feel 10 times stronger than I did yesterday! I feel like I can actually make it thru these harder years, finish school with the best grades possible, do my best at my new job (which I start Tuesday), and be right where I need to be when it is MY time...

The AuttieChip cookies were more of a success than I thought! The kids came home and had a couple Christmas Eve, and Davis made me so happy! He was like, "dang, u should cook more often!" Of course he was prolly just trying to make me feel better, but even Santa ate a couple that night! I was up late that night thinking abt a hundred and one different things, so I fell asleep sometime after 1 AM, and we all had to get up at 6. Santa must have thought I was pretty good this year; he brought me a beautiful brown courderoy coat, a really cute blue jean jacket, like 8 gift certificates to any place I could think of to go shopping, lotions, bath stuff, chocolate, a cook book (very funny...), a couple of scarves and matching hats, and some fun socks. Santa also got us all 5 lottery tickets, but I got shafted. Everyone else won at LEAST a dollar. I didnt even win that! Jay-T's grandad won like $12! Guess we know who behaved best this year. haha

After presents, we all sat at the big dining room table and had a HUGE breakfast that Dana cooked. We all had little name tags above our plates, so I felt so included, you know? There were 8 chairs at the table. 7 is just too uneven. :) Jay-T had to head back to Maryland almost as soon as breakfast was over, and I could feel a big lump forming in my throat. I was NOT abt to cry in front of his whole darn family. He said his goodbyes and I walked him out to his truck. I told him to be careful and after a quick hug and kiss goodbye, he left. I stayed and watched him leave the driveway, but turned around quickly and went inside. His dad saw I was a little upset so he gave me a hug and tried to comfort me. Then he turned to Davis and said, "Son, remember, we Manoushagian men have that effect on women." Cute.... I didnt cry, but I spent the day with Madi and Davis. I thought if I stayed busy, Id be alright. I played Super Mario Bros til my hands were worn out; then Madi and I whipped out a video camera and made a Christmas Day video! Theres nothing more fun in the whole world than making a home video!!! We sang a Christmas song, and toured the house, checked out everyones Christmas presents, and took her new skooter out for a ride. (It was 70-something degrees outside) Shes pretty good on it, but Id never been on one. Neighbors were prolly staring. haha We named the skooter Axle, and played basketball with a ball that wouldnt bounce. After we made our video, we plopped on the couch with a Dr. Pepper to watch it and made fun of ourselves. We played virtual ping pong, which doesnt work, and then I packed up to head over to Christopher and Bobbys. Dana asked me if I wouldnt mind staying with Madi and Davis while she goes out of town next weekend. HECK NO I WOULDNT! Madi already started making plans, and Im sure another video will be made. lol

Dinner with the Mohabeers was really nice. Lindas parents were in town as well as a pilot friend of theirs. We had a big dinner with a glass of white wine, and goofed off with Christopher and Bobby. I got Christopher this gumball machine, and I thought it would be a great idea, cuz he could start saving up his change by paying for a gumball, right? Well, he figured out how to get the top off, and just stuffed a couple handfulls in his mouth. So... we had to put it away for awhile. lol After dinner, we watched that Griswald Christmas movie together, and I crashed as soon as I got home. I have to say, this was prolly the BEST Christmas Ive ever had.

My excitement over having some alone time wore off today. It was Christmas Eve, and I was all by myself. It was a pretty awful feeling actually. Ive never ever been alone on Christmas Eve. Jay-T is coming home tonite after midnight with his fam, so I had a good 12 hours to do nothing. I was so bored and so lonely after watching Chrismas movies all morning and early afternoon, that I decided to try and bake something. That, in itself, should show how crazy bored I was. So I spent an hour or so online looking for recipes. I was going to make sugar cookies and a cheesecake for Jay-T. Only problem was, he doesnt like sugar cookies, and his stepmom makes "the best cheesecake in the world". So if I were to make one, it would be so inferior. He said he liked chocolate chip cookies tho! So I decided to make those, and brave a cheesecake.... until I saw that most of them required 4-5 hrs to make them. I REFUSE to spend that long in a kitchen.

I printed off a recipe for homemade cookies, and decided to just pick up some sugar cookies in a package, cuz I really wanted to decorate them. I made a grocery list and headed to WalMart- the last place any sane human being should be on Christmas Eve. Once I got there, I found an entire aisle dedicated to baking ingredients! I didnt even know where to begin! So I skipped it, went to grab the sugar cookie mix, and headed back to the baking aisle. Light brown sugar? Or dark brown sugar? I had no clue. The recipe said "brown sugar". I searched for a package of "regular brown sugar", and found none. So I went with the light stuff... The fun part was next- decorations for my cookies! Icing and sprinkles! ....But they were all out of any icing or sprinkles that even resembled a Christmas color.... stink... On my way up to the front, I grabbed a loaf of "Fresh Hot French Bread" which was really only slightly warmer than room temperature, and I ate it on the way home- Christmas Eve dinner.

Lemme just tell ya, making cookies from scratch was one of the scariest things Ive ever done. Whatever ou do, DONT take a blender out of the bowl while its still on! I made a pretty big mess- cookie mix everywhere. I used a total of 6 measuring cups, sneezed flour, broke a bit of eggshell in my mix, and almost wore out the motor in the blender. I made the stuff too thick, and the blender just didnt wanna work it anymore. I managed to get the first batch of Homemade AuttieChip Cookies in the oven, while shaking and sweating slightly, and then I opened up the sugar cookies. there was a couple of little ideas on the back of the box- one i really liked. If you take the red dough and make a long rope to wrap around the green dough, and then curve the top a little, you got a candycane!!! Not so much..... I used too much dough and my one candycane took up a third of my cookie sheet after it baked. So the rest of them, I just left round.... I couldnt find any cookie cutters. My first batch was finally done, so I took them out and used an Aslan-chewed spatula to scrape them off the cookie sheet. (dont worry, it was clean; just a little loved on...) After a minute or 2, I tasted one. Not my favorite cookies in the world. I think I used too much flour. Theyre a bit dry and fluffy- not mushy and melt-in-your-mouth-y. After 2 hours, I had made 3 plates full, and wrapped em all in foil. I sprayed down the kitchen, and collapsed on the couch with my last bit of egg nog. Now, Im about to pack and make the long journey out to Bridgeport. Its cool; they have a cat. Maybe he'll eat my cookies. ;)

Ive really enjoyed myself this week. Ive spent time with Jay-T and family and friends, and have had a lot of time to do what I WANT to do. My last day at work and last day of the semester was the same day, so it was like my life came to a screeching halt! Ive slowed down enough to breathe, and Ive slept in every day for almost a week. This is the first time I can remember when I didnt have work, school, or anyone at the house! I miss Amber a lot (shes in Iowa), but its such a nice break. Ive cooked myself breakfast a couple of times, gone shopping downtown, caught up with a couple of old friends, read books, written in my journal, started my new sketchbook (from my dear Amber), exchanged Christmas presents with friends, taken baths, gotten ready for next semester, watched some movies, and listened to old cd's that I forgot how much I loved! It has been SOO nice! And I dont have to go back to school til Jan 17!

Speaking of school, Ive been kinda stressed because Ive been trying to get everything ready for UNT. However, I found out I cant sign up for classes til I attend orientation, and I cant attend orientation til my application is complete, and my application cant be complete til they have my TCC transcripts, which has been hard to get. TCC wont release transcripts if a student has a balance, and I do, because Im taking classes there next semester as well. But I cant pay for those classes til I get my grant money, which will be too late to do all I need to for UNT. I finally talked to someone at UNT yesterday, and she told me to ask TCC to send a "speedy transcript" directly to them, and as long as UNT gets it 1 week before orientation, Id be ok. Alrite, well, that was cutting it pretty close, but I called TCC, and they were already closed for the holiday... I said a quick prayer, took a deep breath, and finished some stuff around the house. On my way out yesterday, I checked the mail, and GUESS WHAT I GOT!!! 2 FINAL transcripts from TCC!!! I have NO idea how or why I got them, but they were so recent, that they even have my next semesters classes on them! I was so excited I cried!!! Im goin to UNT!!!! WOOT! That means the hard stuff is over; now I just have to wait another week or so. Im soooo rediculously excited! Plus, besides all that, I talked to Elana (Jay-T's mom) yesterday, and she told me Ill prolly be able to start working with her in the next week or so. So now, not only do I get this nice break, but I actually get to enjoy my time off without stressing! School and work are taken care of, and Im LOVING this time to myself.

Jay-T and I had our Chrismas together, and he was right! Spoiled I was! I got a gorgeous shadowbox, a real pretty candle with a stand, $50 gift certificate to Victoria's Secret, and a $50 gift certificate for Express- one of my favorite clothing stores. Hes so funny, cuz we wont wrap anything in wrapping paper; hes against it like I am with horomone-injected meat! Presents have to be in brown paper, newspaper or foil. One of my presents included all 3! lol He loved his presents from me, too. I got him a pic of his super hott girlfriend :) a caricature of him and me in a frame, a shadowbox with pics of us and our song lyrics, and a really big collage that my kids and I made for him. I had taken a pic of my kids holding up letters that spelled out "Thank you Mr. Jay-T" and a few pics of kids in different classes saluting him. We cut out military themed pictures from magazines, and put in some miniature sailor things from a scrapbook store. At the top I put an American flag that we found in a wallpaper book. Underneath the big picture of the kids, I put dog tags that spelled out "HERO". Its a pretty neat project and a lot of heart went into it. That was his favorite gift.

Jay-T went out of town for a couple of days with his dad and his side of the family, but hes coming home tomorrow and then were all having Christmas morning together with his parents and bro and sis. I havent woken up to a Christmas morning with kids to open presents in.... 5 years. What an awesome thing thats going to be.... :)

Jay-T and I finally talked last week, and we made all kinds of plans, including a couple of date nights for us, time with his family, time with my people, and Christmas shopping. However, some plans started changing and I got REALLY upset because I wanted to spend time with him but I was scared to death that we were going to get into a fight. I kinda wanted to talk, but I thought if we talked abt everything before we went out, then Id be in a bad mood, but if I waited til the end of the evening, then the night would be ruined. With advice from both Am and Kathryn, I ended up being ok by the time he came over. It was the perfect evening! He brought a couple of things up, so we just started talking on our way to dinner. I got everything off my chest in a calm way- instead of blowing up like I was scared I would.... And it was such a great conversation! We told each other what we liked and didnt like without attacking, blaming, or yelling at each other. By the end of dinner, he said we had made a lot of progress. I was so darn relieved. Its crazy how much easier it is to deal with those kinds of things IN PERSON! We went to Starbucks for our fav drink. :) And then went to Four Day Weekend- a comedy club downtown. We had a blast, and got our relationship back on track. It was like we picked up right where we left off BEFORE we started having problems- holding hands, being affectionate, laughing, and talking again. We were having FUN again! I cant tell you how happy I was for that!

Sunday was great too. We went to church with his family- the side Ive never met before, and then we all had lunch back at his dads house. Jay-T took me for a tour of Bridgeport... not much there, but I loved it! Its so small and home-like, you know? Everyone there knows him and welcomed him home, and I swear, his family owns half of the town! Someone in his family either owns, runs, built, or lives in like every building we passed! lol And they are all so wonderful! His dad and stepmom were really great to me, his brother and sister crack me up, and his grandparents were pleased to meet me. I was really nervous to meet all of them, but it turned out to be a great day.

Yesterday, he and I went Christmas shopping, and went to his aunts house. His aunt and nana asked me a hundred and one questions, and after an hour or so of answering them all, we had dinner. Me, Jay-T, his cousin, and his brother Davis sat at the "kids table". Davis says things that make me wonder if hes REALLY only 13. That kid could sit there and list off more facts abt drugs and politics than you could possibly ask abt. I told my whole take on factory farm meat. Andrew, the cousin, took my side on just abt everything, including the greatness of Mitch Hedburg. lol And dear Jay-T corrected my English. lol He has this thing abt telling me how to talk. He goes, "When you finish that water, what are you?" Andrew answered before I could- "Done!" WRONG! Jay-T insists that "biscuits are done; people are finished". And that the only time people are "done" is when theyre sunburned. Andrew argued that "if a person is sunburned, then hes sunburned, not done. When a person is 'done' with water, then hes 'done'". I didnt think I could laugh any harder until Davis- out of the blue- throws in his argument to Jay-T: "So are you gonna correct Larry the Cable Guy? And tell him it should be 'Git 'er finished'?" I almost fell out of my chair! Too much fun! Andrew asked abt mine and Jay-T's history, so for a good hour or so, we told the story. That was interesting. lol Then we all opened presents- I EVEN GOT ONE!!! To: Autumn From: Rudolph. Awwww I got a kee-ute pair of p.j.'s with a matching pair of underwear, to which Jay-T yelled "WOO! Thank you, Rudolph!" Um... so I stuck them back in the bag. Haha! I had the greatest time, and so far, everything with us is going very well! Were doing something tonite after he finishes getting MY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!!! He says Im gonna be SO spoiled. Spoiled. No, bananas get spoiled; girlfriends get pampered. :)

Im sick. Again. Its no wonder with taking such bad care of myself last week... But I HAVE TO go to work, cuz its my very last week with my babies. :( Im definately gonna cry on my last day. I babysat some of my kids last night- we ate ice cream and cheetoes, and watched Dumbo and Peter Pan. It was the perfect evening. lol I heard from Jay-T last night too. He has a special ringer on my phone and when I heard it, Im pretty sure my heart skipped a beat. We texted back and forth for a few minutes, but we really didnt talk about much. We didnt have to. He told me he loved me... That was enough to let me know we were gonna be ok. It was better that we didnt talk a lot anyway, so that when we DO talk, it wont be some emotional battle or something. You know? Today, Ive been running around trying to get all my errands taken care of. And Ive been studying for my last 2 finals. Fuuun.....

I got little Tyler today for the first time in 3 weeks. We went to a park since its like 70 degrees out (Texas weather...), and walked on this really long backwoods trail. It took a good hour to get all the way around. He saw his very first armadillo! It makes me so happy that he gets to see that kind of stuff with me... not that armadillos are the most fascinating things in the world, but I get excited when hes excited! He goes, "Wow, I thought those things were only in the ol' westerns! I never thought Id actually see one! And that was a real live one!" Must have been his lucky day!! We walked around the Trinity River, he sang solos on old tree trunks, he chased a squirrel, and told me all about his rib attacks. He goes, "theyre just like heart attacks, only in my ribs. I get one when I put too much pressure on my body by running too hard... This ones lasting 4 minutes... Alrite its gone..." Crazy kid. Anyways, we had a good time. I missed hanging out with him... 

Every day this week has been a different emotion for me. I think its up there with one of the worst weeks of my life. Jay-T and I got in an argument last Thursday, which turned into a BIGGER argument Friday, and it exploded last Saturday. We havent talked since. Only females could possibly understand what Ive been going thru this week. And unfortunately, every female in my life has had to go thru it with me. Amber is re-living her long distance relationship trauma all over again; Brit has cried for me as much as I have myself; and Kathryn is feeling the same as she did when she and her boyfriend broke up over a year ago. Its funny that each category of women has their own view of things. I wanted to take the avice of the married women one day, the single women another day, the younger women another day, and the older women another day. Everyone has been giving me every bit of advice they could muster until I finally said, thats enough! I cant take it anymore. This subject is off limits. Done. Its been hell, really. Pure hell. First, for not knowing whats going to happen, and then theres a hundred other reasons this whole thing sucks (that I wont post...). Ive starved myself of food, sleep, and anything good all week long. Like I felt guilty for having fun when I should be upset. The one solid piece of advice anyone has been consistent with has been, Aut, u need to eat, and get some rest, cuz no one is worth getting sick. True, but I wasnt NOT eating or sleeping cuz of him. It was that when I thought I had a future planned out, it may have changed overnight, and thats a pretty big concept to get used to! It was that I had tried so hard to make something work, and there wasnt anything else I could do to fix what was wrong. It was the painful waiting to find out what was going to happen, and a million different scenarios going thru my head at once. It seems like every day this week, I snapped and my train of thought went a completely different direction. Wednesday was the day that I finally smiled, and ate. The roads were icy, so I didnt go to work. In fact, I cried and prayed all day- for some sense of direction and help to do what I needed to do. Amber came home and made me eat, and then an old friend called. I didnt care anymore if the streets were dangerous. I didnt care if anyone didnt want me to go. I grabbed my coat and hat, beat the ice off my windshield and headed downtown. My friend and I talked abt old times and both of our relationship problems and by the end of it all, I felt a little bit better. We even raced down the sidewalk and slid all over the ice downtown... I laughed some, and I slept all thru the night. Thursday was the first day I worked all day. It was great to be back with my kids. I cried that afternoon when one of the directors came and told me her love life story (which ends pretty incredibly!) and once again, I changed my mind abt everything. I had pretty much decided that I wasnt going to hear from him, and I would just have to move on. I figured if he was taking this long to contact me, then he must not want us to be anymore. Friday, I didnt cry at all. I worked. I ate. I slept. I was ok. I didnt need it anymore. Of course I WANT us to work out- I love him. But Ive realized that I dont NEED him or anyone to make me happy. If my future ends up being different than we planned, that sucks. That really really sucks. But, I still have plans of my own! I signed up for classes for my major next semester, I have an interview for a great job coming up, I have incredible friends who are obviously here for me thru anything, and I dont need all of his attention to keep me busy, happy, entertained... whatever. I still havent talked to him, and I have NO IDEA whats about to happen. Today, heres where I am. I want to work everything out. That hasnt changed. But Ive realized taht Im in a relationship that is SOOO completely different from anything anyone else has around me. I cant see or talk to him everyday like Brit and Steven do. We jsut CANT have that right now. Like his mom told me, were 2000 miles away and arent even dating! I took offence to that at first, but shes right. I mean, were committed to each other, but were not just a couple who gets to go dating every weekend. In trying to have what other ppl have, we have been suffocated and its just not working how we want it to. Now that Ive stepped back and thoguht abt it (for so damn long), the distance in our relationship isnt even half the battle. Hes in the military, and ANY relationship where one is off in the military is different. I cant put pressures on him to meet my every need or desire when hes out there doing a job like that! Its unrealistic and unfair on my part to expect it. I didnt really ythink of any of that when we got together.. or even since weve been together. But maybe the best thing for us is to just take care of ourselves. And I dont mean like, break up and never talk to each other, but our lives cant be completely wrapped up in each other when were not even in the same time zone. He can do it- I know he can. I bet I can too; Im getting stronger. :) Plus, his mom is always here to give me a good kick in the pants... And shes not afraid to! (oh, the job Im getting is working with her... ironic huh?) The big thing Im learning to understand is Jay-T is a man. A very independent man. No one is gojng to change his mind once hes decided what hes going to do. And Ive always trusted him enough to not do anything stupid... too stupid. Besides all taht, part of him joining the military was to experience something outside of what he knew his whole life! He wants to gain experiences so when he comes home hes got so much more to offer in his career, and he wants to do all the stuff he couldnt/didnt at home. What right do I have to try and stop him? He sure as hell doesnt tell me I cant do something. Anyways he is coming home next week, so Im getting ready. I got a house to clean, and projects to finish. And this is my last week at my job. I quit just in time for him to come home and now I might not even get to see him? Lovely.....

Isnt it funny how one day, u think u have things figured out, and the next day, u wake up and find that ur life could have changed while u slept... or tried to sleep? Its during these times that u get to decide whats more important to u- a phone call every night? Or a phone call when something special happens... Security in knowing that hes at home safe? Or security in knowing that he would only put himself in situations that would bring him home safe... Believing that u can get him to do what u want? Or believing that differences in perspective is what builds trust... Relationships arent the easiest things in the world, but the ones that are worth it at least make it easier to work thru. I mean, Amber and I have gone thru rough times. Weve gone days without talking to each other, let each other cool off, come back and apologized, and come out better because of it. Stronger. Now, we try to never let a day go by where either of us go to bed mad at each other. Im learning its the same way for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Have I ever gotten everything my way? um... hardly... And is anything ever easy? Never in my life. Its a long road of growing, maturing, and learning to just. Calm. Down. Im as stubborn as anyone. (My aunt tells me Im definately my mothers child.) And I know I frustrate ppl Im close to cuz they dont think I listen to them. I take advice just as anyone else does, but I wont always use it just then. I still like to try things how I want... But most of the time, I can learn pretty quick that I prolly should have taken the advice I was given. And its times like these when I have to do as my dear older friend Teresa told me, and, "Eat a piece of humble pie". I remember I used to sit on the couch with John and tell him exactly what I thought of everyone, what they were doing wrong, and why I thought they were screwing their lives up. And I used to get so frustrated when I told him that someone I was close to was doing something I thought was wrong. He lovingly explained it to me this way: "Autumn, everyone is NOT like you, thank God {a bit of sarcasm, I hope} and everyone is not going to think the way you think. The best you can do is say how u feel if u absolutely HAVE to, pray, and let it go. Love them enough to be honest. Trust them enough to decide." Its funny. I didnt remember even having those talks with John until this weekend. Everything he taught me comes back when I need it. Unfortuantely, I had already blown up over the situation I could have applied it to. But all I can do is apologize, learn form it, and move on. Im still learning. Im nowhere near perfect. I screw up and cause problems. I hurt ppl Im close to. But one thing I am is persistent. Ill learn something a hundred times if I have to. Ill hit my head against a wall enough to frustrate the mess out of someone who loves me. But I get it right! And I know how to say I was wrong. And I know when my pride needs to be knocked down a notch or 2. And I end up being stronger afterwards. To the few ppl who stick around long enough to see me come thru it are the ones who think that Im worth trying for, yelling at, or just walking next to. Those are the relationships that turn out being the strongest...